Reflections

Tomorrow will be a year since Sara died. We were friends since we were born. I never imagined life without her. She was family. She was a kind, compassionate person who would stop to help a stranger. She died from pancreatic cancer. She survived less than two years from the time of diagnosis.

Both my parents are gone. Aunt Doll followed my mom to heaven within a year. Siblings at various states of contact are scattered around the state and country.

I often think if I didn't have animal rescue I would live in a constant state of fear. People/life so unpredictable. I had a friend since I was 19 who recently stopped talking to me because I had to steal a animal in order to save it. She can't get passed the idea that I would just steal from someone. I didn't take jewels,etc I couldn't let the animal die. Even knowing it would cause me to lose my long time friend, I'd do it all over again. The animal is physically okay now but will always be mental due to starvation.

People can be such a disappointment so I'm trying to be more cautious not allowing such judgemental people in my life. I guess that person was never a friend they were just someone I knew for many years. She obviously wasn't a real friend and doesn't get it and never will. I thought she was a better person than she proved to be.

I have a neurological disorder that flares up with stress. I've relapsed a lot the past couple of months. I can't have a full blown relapse because I've developed an allergy to the cure. This syndrome causes my brain to swell, nerves in face and neck to swell and become extremely painful. Facial paralysis, dizziness, hearing loss. Thankfully the relapses are minor, painful but not full blown symptoms. Since becoming allergic to the cure I asked the ER doctor what will they do. He said never have a full blown relapse. I said well what if...he said they'd give me the medicine and other meds to prevent anaphylactic shock and hope for the best. It's hard to avoid stress but I try. I do have medicine I take as soon as I feel a relapse starting. So far the meds take care of things in a couple of days.

I do my best to find ways to relax, deep breathe,etc. Life is just stressful. I always try to find the good and focus on what I have control over. I live in a small town and I know many of my neighbors. My neighborhood has changed so much over the years. Many people have moved. Some talking about moving. I guess the underlying stress for me is being alone. No real sense of connection. So I focus on saving animals they are the best cure for self pity. I love animals, people and life. I find something to laugh at in almost any situation. I just sometimes feel a disconnect. I'm close to many but I really wish to belong.